Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
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Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Stop being racist to kettles.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.