Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
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What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Discuss
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT