[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
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Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?