I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”