I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
You Might Also Like
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I don’t think my car can fly
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.