Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Whoa 😂
what?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
peak technology
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?