I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
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Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.