Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
You Might Also Like
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I don’t know what to do
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister