Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
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ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My biological clock is wheezing.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!