Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
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Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
