Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
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Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb