Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
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Lucky old June.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.