Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
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Alexa; make it look like an accident
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*