If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
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“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.