If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
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My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.