Why can’t mirrors be nicer
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Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”