Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Plant care tips
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort