I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
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“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter