“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
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People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
🤔😂😂
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again