You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
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There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.