You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
how high up are we talkin’?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Doctors texting each other.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?