We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.