the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
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My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes