Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
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People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
🙂🙃🥹
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Lmfao
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.