Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
This is my emotional support knife.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh