[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
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*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on