We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
You Might Also Like
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
when someone compliments me
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
pat pat
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
You have been warned.