@Lisa_Laughs_

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

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@peachesanscream

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

@

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@glo_stevens

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

@_kayditty

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

@YearOfRat

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

@Parentpains

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

@WilliamAder

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

@captain_happen

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?