Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Oh deer

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin