@Lisa_Laughs_
@tylerschmall Employees must applaud the planets.
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@tylerschmall 
@Shade510 (home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
@tylerschmall Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
@junejuly12 [road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
@daemonic3 WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
@POTerritory “Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
@GashleyMadison [at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
@ShutUpThatsWho [pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
@XplodingUnicorn My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
@TheSeanBrewster I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”