We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

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(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower


Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.


[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

My dad: Concussion? What concussion?


WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God


“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb


[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.


[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]


My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”


I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”