“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
You Might Also Like
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I cannot stop laughing at this
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.