@rachelle_mandik CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
@peterjames48 “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
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@rachelle_mandik 
@matt_travelling So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
@Shariv67 Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
@Heldinchains My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
@MarkAFuqua1 I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
@JasonNotEvil My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
@MamasUncutQA Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
@RobinMcCauley Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
@sfreeze6 So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
@primawesome Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.