“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

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CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d


So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”


Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.


My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.


I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.


My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”


Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.


Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.


So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?


Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.