@peterjames48

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

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@rachelle_mandik

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

@matt_travelling

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

@Shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

@Heldinchains

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

@MarkAFuqua1

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

@JasonNotEvil

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

@MamasUncutQA

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

@RobinMcCauley

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

@sfreeze6

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

@primawesome

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.