If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
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My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course