My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
What?!?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]