Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
You have been warned.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
s
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!