On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
You have been warned.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant