I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 馃П
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me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there鈥檚 a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what鈥檚 the good news
me: i found waldo
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven鈥檛 even thought of yet
Hi I鈥檓 an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I鈥檒l make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don鈥檛 care because you鈥檝e seen it clean once
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You鈥檙e holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there鈥檚 only enough left for me
him: there鈥檚 a whole bottle
me: yes
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: