waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
You Might Also Like
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.