waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
nice challenge
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no