Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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Wait a minute…
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Classic German Shepherd 😂
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?