Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.