Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
You Might Also Like
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
G: But it shows every pee drip
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.