”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”