@samalmightysam

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

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@ColoradoCrow

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

@TheCatWhisprer

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

@fro_vo

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

@bornmiserable

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

@lloydrang

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

@glum_and_fun

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

@TragicAllyHere

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

@clichedout

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

@AimeeHelene1

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

@thepunningman

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about