”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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Bobby pin
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.