@samalmightysam

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

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@daemonic3

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

@FrogAvalanche

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

@mortimermaiden

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

@dire_beard

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

@TheBoydP

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

@XplodingUnicorn

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

@PeaceInTruth1

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

@werehedgehog

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.