I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
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I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?