I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
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My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.