I’m pretty like a car crash.
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Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
kids play hide and seek like
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Somebody’s lying.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.