I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.