I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.