Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.