DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
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“How’s your day going?”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Best spot.. 😅
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?