When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
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Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My love language is deader than Latin
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
dutch is not a serious language
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Carpe DM
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face