My love language is deader than Latin
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When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?