Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
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Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
respect
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.