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I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.