Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
an octopus is just a wet spider
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
The Assassin.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk