Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Has science gone too far?

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.