IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Inside you there are two wolves
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.