IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
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When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Merica.
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I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.