Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.