I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
You Might Also Like
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches