What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K